


How Spike Stole Christmas

by redsrule1



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, Holiday, Humor, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-25
Updated: 2003-12-25
Packaged: 2017-10-03 03:26:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsrule1/pseuds/redsrule1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy version of Seuss's Grinch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Spike Stole Christmas

All the Sunnydale Scoobies liked Christmas a lot  
Although Spike, who lived in a graveyard, did not.

Spike hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season  
Oh please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.

It could be the chip that was stuck in his head,  
or his pining for Buffy with lips ruby red.

But I think that the entire reason, in full,  
may have been that poor Spikey was missing a soul.

But whatever the reason, his soul or Buff's rubies  
he stood there on Christmas Eve hating the Scoobies,

staring out from his crypt with a sour Spikey frown  
"I'd like nothing more than to take that bitch down!

\-- Well, maybe a bit more," he had to admit.  
"I wouldn't mind taking a bite of that Brit

\--or Xander the sidekick, or Willow the witch,  
or that ex-demon Anya, who wants to be rich.

If it weren't for this chip, I could nibble, at least.  
\--To hell with just nibblin' -- I'd feast, feast, feast, feast!

Since that's out o' the question, w'this thing in me head,  
I'll settle for just getting Buffy to bed!

But she won't want that 'cause she thinks I'm beneath her."  
Then he let out a growl, which shattered the ether.

"First poofy Angel, and then 'Cardboard Boy',  
and now she's just focused on holiday joy!

If it weren't for Christmas, her notice I'd get.  
And then I would make her my own little pet!"

Then Spike got an idear -- an awful idear!  
"I'll fake having a soul -- that thing she finds dear!

And to make sure she'll notice, I'll steal Christmas --ooh!  
and Solstice, and Gurnenthar's ascension day, too!

But I'll need a costume of bright Christmas red.  
I won't bloody make it -- I'll steal it instead!"

It was already dark -- it was 8:34 --  
so he hopped in his car and he drove to a store

with department store Santas, from whom Spike would take  
a costume when Santa Claus went on his break.

So when this fake Santa removed coat and beard,  
Spike showed him the vamp face so many have feared.

Spike's pleased but he thought "I still need one more thingo."  
And he went to the house of one certain Dingo.

He put on the coat, the hat and the beard  
and knocked on the door -- but no one appeared.

"There's only one way to get Oz to come out.  
That music's so loud that I'll just have to shout!

I'M FATHER CHRISTMAS -- I mean SANTA CLAUS!  
IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, SEND OUT BLOODY OZ!"

Oz came to the door but then started to swoon.  
Oz had forgotten -- it was a full moon!

But Spike had remembered. It was part of his plan.  
Oz was no good to him i'the form of a man.

Spike captured the werewolf, then took the poor wretch  
right back to his crypt where he taught Oz to fetch.

"I can't go into the houses, you see,  
but now that he's trained, he'll steal Christmas for me."

Oz must look the part, so he took some black thread  
and he tied a big horn on the top of his head.

Then he harnessed Oz up to his auto's front fender,  
and Spike got inside, and he yelled out the winder:

"Giddyap! Get moving! Off with you then!  
You just keep pulling and I'll tell you when."

They first stopped at Giles' house. Spike unharnessed Oz  
and sent him inside with three bags in his claws.

And soon Oz returned with all the bags brimming  
with spell books and turkey with all of the trimming.

"Right then, good dog, I can do with a nosh.  
'Specially at Giles' expense -- thinks he's so posh."

Xander's was next, and while Oz filled the bags,  
Spike lit a smoke and he took a few drags.

And then on to Anya's and Tara's and Willow's,  
where Oz filled the bags 'til they looked like huge pillows.

Then finally to Buffy's. "She'll have such a wiggins  
when she finds out that Oz took her little stuffed piggins."

They loaded the car and returned to Spike's hovel.  
"And now I can't wait to hear them all grovel!

Buffy will cry -- I can comfort and hug her  
and tell her that all will be fine but-- OH BUGGER!"

Oh bugger was right for this sound wasn't sad.  
No one was groveling -- they all sounded glad!

Every Scoob' down in Sunnydale was singin', not screamin',  
and this time it wasn't because of a demon!

So Spike stood amazed there inside of his crypt  
just puzzling and puzzling. "I think I've been gypped!"

He puzzled and puzzled 'til his bleached head was sore.  
Then Spike thought of something he hadn't before.

"Maybe what Buffy needs doesn't come from a store.  
Maybe Buffy -- perhaps -- needs a little bit more.

And what happened then? Well in Sunnydale they say  
that Spike's pretend soul turned quite real on that day.

And now the true meaning of Christmas came through,  
and Spike found the strength of ten vampires -- plus Dru!

So now with a soul, he was not such a louse  
and returned all he stole back to everyone's house.

He rode into Sunnydale, hauling their riches,  
returning the powder he stole from the witches.

He brought back Giles' books and to Joyce's first daughter  
returned Mr. Gordo, and some holy water.

He brought everything back, and was invited to stay  
and celebrate Christmas with the Scoobies that day.

At the end of that evening Spike rose up and said  
"I've never had so much fun since I've been dead.

And let me just say (if I may be indulgent)  
for most of this night I have felt quite effulgent!

But now I'm just bored, so sod it."

The End


End file.
